


too little love (too little time)

by lovemenow



Category: AB6IX (Band), MXM (Band)
Genre: Breakups, Character Death, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, angsty angsty angsty, bro i aint shitting you i cried writing this im just a mess rn, i cant tag im sorry, prepare tissues if you need to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 20:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20377822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemenow/pseuds/lovemenow
Summary: we only want things back when they're gone.





	too little love (too little time)

**Author's Note:**

> ohhh it's 3am and i'm sobbing after writing this, this was a whooole train wreck and idk where i pulled this out from but this is my angstiest youngdong up to date!!! #youngdongpavedtheway
> 
> talk to me on twt @lymprint, && ofc kudos, comments and feedback are always appreciated <3
> 
> all my love  
lovemenow x

_ Where did we go wrong, Donghyun? _

Donghyun can only stare at the paper in his hands, clutched tightly and almost crumpled. His silent sobs are the only sound that echoes in the noiseless room, the warmth that once enveloped the place already lost to the coldness that now hangs in the air, stinging his skin and prickling at his eyes.

_ Was it me? Was it you? The both of us? Was it the fights over the smallest, trivial things, or was it those issues we never bothered to talk about and swiftly swept under the rug? _

He wished things went differently. He wished and wished like a fool that Youngmin would come back home and hold him again. That they’d be together again, that he’d wake up the next morning with the elder sleeping soundly right next to him. That they’d forget everything that ever happened between and start all over again, from the very beginning, when they first met in the college library. Back to their first date, their first kiss, their _ first time_, their first real fight, the first time they saw each other cry. Back to when it wasn’t too late to apologise, when they weren’t running out of time and too busy chasing dreams that they knew were going to be shattered eventually.

_ Was it my fault I couldn’t make compromises? Your fault that your boss was unforgiving and held grudges? Part-time classes that always managed to crawl in between us and caused us to fall apart bit by bit? _

Truly, they’d wasted so much time fighting rather than making up and understanding the mistakes they’d done. One was too egoistic, the other too selfish. If people always said _ two negatives make a positive_, Youngmin and Donghyun would prove them wrong. If they say _ love conquers all_, they’d prove them wrong too. After all, the couple ended up being a train wreck and love wasn’t enough to keep them together. Something was always off, nothing ever went right. And they wonder why were they so angry at each other half of the time they lived under one roof.

_ On nights I only find my way beside you at two in the morning, I am guilty, restless, out of control. When I see you at peace for once, I can’t help but feel like dirt. I knew when you woke up in the morning I would never have the chance to see you with your mind clear. And in this letter I put my ego aside to admit that I caused that — I caused you to dread waking up the next day, to see the sun rise and feel the warmth on your skin through the curtains. I’m sorry it took me so long to apologise. I’m sorry, Donghyun. I really am. _

Why did they still hold onto each other despite going down each other’s throats every other night? Why were they so hesitant to leave, even well after knowing that it was only doing mere damage to one another, with hearts filled with anger and hatred to the brim?

Donghyun remembers the way the three words leave Youngmin’s mouth like a mantra when his lips feel like scattered petals across his chest, when his breath heavy and his eyes are shut tight. _ I love you _ sounded like a reassurance to each other, not a whispered confession or apology. As the months go by, they forgot how easily the words roll off their tongues. _ I love you _ felt foreign to the both of them. 

_ I just hope that you don’t ever think of us as a mistake. Long overdue, yes, but now that we both got rid of the weight on our shoulders, I hope you’ll be able to think of us in the past and not feel so bad about it. Although I think we both can agree that our faults and our lust override our happiness and the love that we lacked, I hope you’ll remember that there were still moments we were like each other’s missing puzzle piece. _

_ And that at one point of time, I was in love with you, and you with me. At one point of time, I could look at you and the whole world would know that I was absolutely crazy for you, and only you, and nothing and no one else mattered more to me than you did. At one point of time, I was your favourite person and I was your whole universe. _

Donghyun has it figured out like the back of his hand. The pent up anger they both had definitely wasn’t better off left alone, and the hatred that built up in them shouldn’t have been ignored. If they’d both acknowledge the fact that it was just too much to take anymore, maybe things would end better. Maybe if Youngmin was a little more open-minded and Donghyun didn’t put himself first before everyone else, they could have solved their issues and talked about their relationship like actual adults, not give each other the silent treatment and expect one another to know what’s going on in their minds. Slowly, little by little, as he gets nearer to the end of the letter, all the errors they made come back to him, along with the times they missed their chance to fix them all.

_ You know yourself that you’re better without me. You don’t need me constantly picking at the little things you do that annoy me or simply not treating you right. I didn’t deserve you, and thinking about it now, even if I changed for the better, I don’t think I’ll ever deserve to have you in my life. You have your mistakes, you have your flaws, but you have your strengths and the small details that make you breathtaking, like a mystery waiting to be uncovered and a book to be read and analysed. And I looked past all of that. _

_ If I had the chance to make it up to you, I would. I’d take that opportunity in a heartbeat — that I swear to you. After all, putting aside all the downsides we’ve went through, you still taught me things that I didn’t know before I met you. You taught me how to love again, and what it felt like to fall out of love. I don’t know if it’s entirely my fault we ended up like this, but if it is, I just want you to know that I’m sorry, again. _

_ I’m sorry, Donghyun. At the very least, you don’t have to dread your mornings anymore, and you can come home to a queen-sized bed all to yourself. Look forward to the sunrise, wish on the stars at night. Find love in places you least expect to, not places you lost them in. _

_ And if you ever find yourself in the college library again, the amusement park all alone, or sprawled across the couch on a movie marathon; chances are, I’m doing the same thing as you are. _

_ When you see this, my things are probably cleared out of your apartment and only small traces of me are left behind, but just remember that I am always thinking of you. Wherever and whenever. _

_ I love you. _

_ Always. _

_ Youngmin _

Donghyun folds the letter neatly and puts it back into the light yellow envelope, placing it onto the table beside him. He wipes his tears away and looks up at the still body lying in the bed before him, arms limp by his sides and eyes closed.

“You fool,” he bites his inner cheek and reaches out to link their index fingers together. “Thinking you could just disappear after we fell out and that I wouldn’t eventually find out you were sick. Stupid, stupid fool.”

Youngmin didn’t have much time left. And Donghyun knows all about it. But what can he do? _ Nothing_.

“I don’t know if you’ll hear this, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he sniffles, letting his tears rush down his cheeks freely. “I was difficult, I wasn’t willing to make compromises. I blamed it all on you and things were just _ wrong_. We both are at fault. I’m sorry, _ hyung._” He pauses for a little while, his thumb stroking the back of the elder’s hand.

“You think I’ll continue telling myself you’re gonna wake up soon? _ Real _ cool if you actually gave me a sign you’re listening to all of this,” he chuckles lightly. “I came to terms with it. No matter how much shit we both put each other through, I think I’ll still love you the most. You’ll still be the only one I let in, the one I’ll give my heart to.”

Donghyun rests his chin on the railing, pursing his lips together. His free hand stretches out to run through his dark hair, his fingers trailing down his temple to his jaw. “Who’s going to tell me that I’m annoying now, _ hyung_? Who’s going to wake me up at three in the morning because they’re having a bad dream?” he trails off.

“Who’s going to love me like you did, Youngmin-_hyung_?” his voice cracks. “Who… who’s going to love me now?”

The heartbeat monitor suddenly starts beeping faster, causing Donghyun to panic. Youngmin’s body is shaking violently, and the younger can only manage to press the help button and call for the nurses, a doctor, _ anyone outside_.

The wave of realisation hits him when the doctor comes in with a group of nurses, trying to shock Youngmin, checking his eyes, doing everything they can to bring him back — and then they stop, exchange glances, before the doctor averts his gaze up to him and shakes his head. He pulls up the blanket to cover Youngmin’s face and announces the time of death, leaving the room shortly after.

Donghyun falls to his knees, dumbfounded, tears staining his cheeks and bottom lip quivering, his body shaking as he sobs relentlessly into his hands.

_ If there was more time for you and me, _

_ if there was a little more love spared, _

_ maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty about you leaving me forever. _


End file.
